The Place I Thought I Would Be At 30… I Am Not Even Close

At the age of 30, I thought I would be more, I thought I would be further, I thought I would’ve learnt more lessons by now, I thought I wouldn’t still cry when people were horrible, I thought I wouldn’t worry what people were saying about me, I thought I would be smarter, I thought I would be stronger, I thought my skin would be thicker, I thought I wouldn’t hold onto the past, I thought I would laugh more, I thought I would cry less, I thought I would have it together, I thought I would be less stressed.

I thought I would have more money, I thought I would have someone to go home to, I thought I would be something more.

All that I know is, I thought wrong. 

I had everything planned… well, at least I thought. 

Maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves to succeed, maybe we try too hard to be that something that will please others.

Maybe we turned at the wrong time and missed our big break, maybe someone caught our eye, and we missed the eye of our soul mate, or maybe once we were already up high and we didn’t enjoy the view.

Did we wish it all away because we already had it and we were looking for something more, or has everything we really wanted in life stayed behind closed doors?

We have no idea if we will ever reach our dreams we made when we were dancing around as children.

We have no idea if we find the humour in everything again, just like we did when we were two. 

Why did we ever let ourselves lose that? Why did we lose that innocence?

Is it because someone took it from us, or because we wished we were older, did we wish our own life away without even realising? 

I look back at that me, that girl in the photo who I feel totally disconnected to, yet I know we are still dreaming the same things.

From a young age we are sadly taught to compare ourselves to others, success is measured by meeting other people’s achievements and goals.

You get rewarded for meeting someone else’s idea of perfect, the idea of what is enough.

But the truth is, there’s no due date for when you’re meant to have something together, no time a lesson needs to be learnt, no consequences for not knowing answers.

We are all figuring it out one step at a time, we are all hoping our dash between our two dates is worthy, a story to be told, a story we are comfortable with.

At 30, 40, 50 even 90, we are all learning lessons... we are all hoping we will reach the next goal, the next lesson... but sometimes all that you need to do is hold on, if you do that, in the end, you’ll always be okay.

Promise me something?

Please stop being so hard on yourself.

We have so many other people around us who do that, they will tear us down with every single opportunity they have.

Don’t give them anything to feed off.

You don't need the extra pressure. The only pressure you need to put on yourself is making sure you’re looking after you.

You’re always going to be on the right path or on your way to the right path. Just trust yourself and your journey.

Stop putting yourself down and wishing you had things you don’t, by looking for more you’re missing the magic of right now and what is in front of you… and one day you might be looking for something you already had and missed it.

You are doing everything right, live in the moment, breathe and be kind to yourself.

Any day can surprise you with its ending, don’t give up on it early. 

carlylala x